I liked Geetha aunty and her offer.

Fucked up brother.

Stuck! Stuck in midst of people...their ideas, non-stop monologues,egos,opinions.
Totally blown out and stuck in a sticky spot.

I lack a state of mind,I am missing some reality which is not willing to come out of it.

The says of everyone... including my gut's prophecies!, has put me in a volatile state.

Everything going haywire in my head. Fucking extensive shit worthy thinking going through my head.

I don't know why the fuck I be like this. I don't know if I am being a pretentious bastard... Or some kind of pseudo belief of pseudo wannabee passion caught on in me.

I deeply know that I want to do something in cinema. But,what next is the amazing question, for which I'm not able to find an answer!!

I just don't want to learn to drive thought is increasing proportionally with people saying the need to Drive... i know People say it for my own good!!.... Fuck!!  I thought i am the person who thought who had no petty ego troubles.

Fucking should I change?? Am I living a perfect 21 century dream of happy go fucking lucky, Chase my pimping worthy  thoughts influenced by my Demi gods  from my movies?!! But I am proud of the way I am and i like it too... Is that way  the stupid lame  lane... Or it is just a way too old or way ahead of my time or should i consult a brain doctor.

Anyway what the hell does "seize the moment" or "the moment seizes you" mean,I think Robin Williams and Richard Linklater used it as a catch phrase to woo their ladies...if u think I am shallow on this...please enlighten me on their respective ideas or else take a bow! and allow the next person to do his best.

I am taking things too seriously.I AM taking people too seriously by thinking that the same people take me seriously too.

All these questions were answered and questioned as a result of a heavily bombed interview and also as a result of me deciding to take up Geetha aunty's offer of she helping me to brush up some of my civil engineering and also to learn by assisting her PhD works.

which I eventually turned down because of all earth old lame egos and cute grumpy cat type of excuses of people who played a vital role in bringing me up to this state.

Good god bless the whole wide world and America.

But you know what!?!!?  some where deep inside me...I just don't care, nothing is so bothering! .... Nothing! All these self loathes are just a part of a faking! An act !! Just to showcase that I am concerned about my future and i am actively taking steps to make it a worthy place... Just to pacify and stop all the aam Aadmi's from yakking bull and shits.

I just don't want to do anything. Just roam around. I always thought that it would be so nice and easy to be without a family,a state,a nationality! ... u could risk and risk and roam as you wish!! And just die like a stray dog and get buried at à garbage dump yard where all the froth n scum of the big city is getting wiped to and dumped!! So simple.

I am gonna fuck it all for a big time !
Just faking!

28 feb'18, a day in Trivandrum, Kerala.

this is a confession of a weak person who is just afraid to take his small step and only interested in bluffing.

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